If you have been keeping up with my posts (which of course you have!), you know that I am not of a slender nature. As a young one, I was slim, with a head of curly hair, and a caboose. I looked like a frilly toothpick with an olive half way down. But life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness have gathered on various parts of my body through the years, and this includes my hind parts. At this point, my olive has been over stuffed.
One day, after doing some running, I needed to hop into the shower to defunkerate. We have a stall shower in one of our bathrooms, which is a nice way of saying vertical coffin with water. Needless to say, there isn’t a whole lot of room for maneuvering and even less so when you’re as well endowed as I. Nevertheless, it gets the job done and if properly used, one comes out all nice and clean and sparkly. If properly used…..
Everything was going along swimmingly. I had finished lathering up and was returning the soap to its place, when I dropped it. “Hmmmm, this is going to be interesting. Bending forward is no use, because I still won’t be able to grab the soap and I might fall out of the shower, which is not out of the realm of possibility for me, really. I can’t lean to the side and pick up the soap because I’ll hit my head on the side of the stall or I could myself get wedged between the side walls and need an aerial rescue that would require the jaws of life for extraction . Got it! I’ll give myself some room if I face the back of the shower and point my bum towards the curtain. I do the hokey, pokey, turn myself around and head south.
I grab the soap and stand back up. Woo hoo! back in business….Where’s all that light coming from? Why is the bathroom rug getting all wet? Wait, why can I even see the rug …what the….? Upon successful retrieval of the soap and subsequent return to vertical, my bum, my caboose, my junkie trunk had swallowed my ENTIRE shower curtain. My hungry bum ate the whole thing.
In comes Big Daddy who needs to use the commode. Trying to figure out why he needs a row boat to get to it, he looks up and sees me holding the soap in one hand and dislodging my butt drapery with the other. He shakes his head.
All I can do is smile because really, how does one explain a self-induced curtain wedgie?
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