Archive for May, 2010

Daddy’s Girl…..

May 6, 2010

My heart hurts.  I miss my dad so bad I can’t breathe. It’s ironic that at one time I rolled my eyes at a woman who said that though her father had passed away 14 years earlier, she ahdn’t gotten over it.  Being young and clearly clueless, I was thinking to myself, “Oh she has got to get over that, it’s been a long time.” But I just didn’t understand.

I love my momma to death, and am proud to be a great deal like her, so this is no slight to her parenting abilities.  But I am a daddy’s girl and always have been.  And though he passed away in 2000, I’m still his girl.

To be sure, he was by no means perfect, and in fact, drove me crazy on the regular.  But he was mine and could make things better. 

Sometimes it’s a song on the radio, a meal just eaten, or a smell that brings him to mind.  Cigars and Lavender.  My dad smelled of lavender from the soap he used everyday. He taught my brothers and I the box step in our kitchen.

Under stress, I wish he were here to talk to.  He had a way of bringing things back to reality(and telling me to stop being a drama queen) and making me understand that there was nothing that I couldn’t handle.  When he came to visit just after Mini-Me was born and I was frazzled from dealing with a gassy baby, he said,”Ya hear that?” All I could hear was Mini crying like his head was going to pop off, “What?” 

“Boobula(my nickname), that’s the sound of life! Wow, that is the sound of life!” It changed my perspective. (A nap helped too, but you get my drift.)

And after a few days of what I believe is the beginning of my mid-life moment(crisis is a bit extreme for the time being), I am missing him something fierce.

Of course, he would probably just say, “Boobula, your mid-life moment, that’s just life.”

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Fightin’ Dirty……

May 5, 2010

Big Daddy has put me in the cone of silence and I am well deserving.  We were arguing and though that really doesn’t happen very often on the edge, I was fightin’ dirty.  I pulled out the, “You’re going to end up just like your dad, alone and miserable!!!!!” line, which I know hurts BD at his core.

Right after the comment flew out of my mouth, I wished I could have grab it back out of space. Though I did apologize shortly thereafter, I know that just because I did so, the sting didn’t immediately go away.  And while some of his personality is like his dad’s, as we are all like our parents in some ways we care not to embrace, BD is a far, far better parent and man than his own dad. I know that and so does he. I and his children adore him far too much that he would ever be miserable and alone.

The crazy thing was that I knew I shouldn’t have gotten sucked into the argument in the first place and had told myself that I wasn’t going to.  I was working on an hour and half of sleep and had a whole bunch of stuff to do in a hurry and was not in the mood. And one thing led to another and whammo.

I wanted to kick myself and I’m sure BD wanted to kick me too, though he would never do so. I had just been reading about being silent and not reacting and here I was not only reacting, but hitting below the belt.

After that, it didn’t matter if I was right or if my argument made more sense than his(which is still up for debate) because anything I said fell on deaf ears. So, did I really accomplish anything by throwing it out there?

Maybe there is something to that “Silence is Golden.”  I have a feeling I am going to be in the cone of silence for a bit longer, so I’ll have plenty of time to learn that one.


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