Posts Tagged ‘laughing’

Pardon The Interruption….

April 19, 2011

Years ago, the children were ensconced at the table eating a snack-good time to head to the Head.  “Eat your snack. I’m going to take a shower, I’ll be out in 5 minutes. Do not disturb unless it’s an emergency.”  I ran into the bathroom, jumped in the shower,  and kicked it into gear to get my whole self clean in five minutes.  I was a pro from back in my boarding school days when five minutes was sometimes all the time we had, and then the hot water would run out. 

2 minutes in, the door bursts open.  “Mom is this purple?” It was Whirling Dervish holding up a skirt.

“REALLY?!  Did we forget that Mommy said “Do NOT disturb!”

“Uhhhhh.”

“Is someone concussed?”

“No.”

“Is someone bleeding? Does someone have a limb off?”

“No.  But Momma is this purple?”

“REALLY???!!! Please close the door on your way out.”

I guess I should be happy, she was outside the shower. I wouldn’t have been surprised if she had gotten in there with me. Whirling liked to invade my personal space-a “close talker” a la Jerry Seinfeld.  Her usual M.O. was to wait until I was in the bathroom and then come in and step so close to me that she would be standing in my under garments. yes, IN, my underwear.  And it wasn’t as if she was coming to tell me the kitchen was on fire or anything.  She just wanted to chat.  Mind you she had absolutely NOTHING to say to me while I was not in the bathroom.  I guess her mind got rolling as soon as I sat down on the can.   I would have to politely ask her to back up out of my draws and out of the bathroom.  And off she would go, inevitably leaving the bathroom door wide open, leaving me fully exposed for all the world to see.  And she wasn’t the only one.  Her siblings were just as bad. I got asked all sorts of stuff in the water closet. Can I transform the Transformer back?  Momma, can you get the pony tail out of Barbie’s hair?  Mom, can you sign my permission slip?  Can you get this knot out of my sneaker? And so it went. For years.

My youngest is now 8, so I thought I was done with the interruptions.  They still do it from time to time, but for the most part, they stay out, at least until I turn the water off in the shower or flush the toilet to barge in. Some times tey wait until I have finished brushing my teeth to ask me a question or talk to me.  But no.  Now there’s a new interloper in our midst. Butter Face cometh.

My dog has become the Bathroom Bandit. It doesn’t matter what bathroom I’m in or what floor he’s on. He makes his  way to the bathroom heads on in.  He just opens the door all the way and waltzes right in.  He walks right up to me, looks up, as if to say, “Hey, whatcha doin’?” Then he sniffs my shoes, does his doggy circling ritual and then lays down on the rug. And stares.  I don’t know about y’all, but it’s hard to concentrate with the beast ogling me from below, peeping at me underneath my reading material.

I guess I should be thankful, he doesn’t ask me to deknot his bone.

Ego Trip……..

January 20, 2011

There was a segment on the news this morning about a woman who was going to sue the mall, at which she is employed, where she fell into a fountain because she was texting and wasn’t watching where she was going. The video from a security camera is shown (repeatedly) and on it you can hear the security guards laughing in the background. In the tape, the woman, luckily with no apparent injuries, grabs her cell phone(can’t leave that!), steps out of the fountain, and quickly exits the camera’s view. Allegedly (I watch enough Law & Order to know I need to put that in there to cover my own hind parts), one of the security guards was allowed to copy the video to a private cell phone.  That guard then uploaded the video onto YouTube. And away it went. As of today, the video has had almost 2 million hits. During the segment alone, the network showed the clip at least ten times. I laughed every time the video was shown.

And so the woman, and her attorney appeared on television this morning indicating that she was pursuing the possibility of suing the mall. She admitted that it was funny and embarrassing, but that the guards did not come to her aid, she could have been hurt, and that it shouldn’t have gone on the internet. I laughed even harder. Was she serious???!!!

Here’s my take on this whole fiasco…..

If this woman was so embarrassed by this experience, why go on national television to exponentially add to the humiliation, to say that you’re suing the mall. Why not just sue the mall? And frankly, her face was obscured on the video, since she was looking down while texting and walking, so why not just deny it if asked. Then it would have been a random video on YouTube, and people would have been none-the-wiser. If she wants to sue someone, maybe she should sue her eye doctor for not testing her peripheral vision. One should see a gigantic fountain in the middle of the corridor, over the top of their phone screen, if her vision is working properly, no? And she worked at the mall, so I’m thinking she’d seen that fountain before. And don’t most of us learn in Kindergarten to, “walk on the right,” not up the middle. Just sayin’……

But there are far better ways to get your 15 minutes of fame. I’m guessing, she feels like a royal moron. But to make herself feel better, she going to take it out on the mall?  Why not sue the fountain company while she’s at it?  I was taught that if someone falls, check to see if she’s okay, and if she is, then laugh. She fell, she got up and ran off, seemingly okay from what we saw on the video.  So, learn your lesson and have a good laugh. Hell, I busted myself up skateboarding(see 2/2010 post-“I Killed Mommy”).  My husband laughed at me, or rather with me, while I was lying on the ground with a dislocated and fractured shoulder.  Granted my incident was not blasted out over the internet, but hey, it’s the voyeur age we live in and she was in the wrong place at the wrong time.  And will forever be, “Fountain Girl.”

On the flip side, she’s right. However funny the incident, the security guards, a security guard, any security guard, someone official, should have gone to the scene, or tried to locate her to make sure that she was okay.  She could have done more damage, than bruising her ego and wetting up her phone.  She could have cracked her head open or knocked her teeth out.  Luckily, she didn’t. The guards should be embarrassed about not coming to the aid of a mall patron or employee and this only fuels the idea that security guards in malls are of no value and are themselves laughable wastes of space and oxygen. I wouldn’t say if it were my mother, since she won’t even use her phone for making calls, but if it were my mother, I would hope that someone, especially someone whose job it is to at least assist with public safety in the mall, would come to her aid.

There is a scene in the movie, “The Runaway Bride,” that is a reminder to us all.  It’s the scene at the town luau, where the folks giving toasts are taking shots at the main character, Maggie, for leaving more than a few grooms at that altar.  Richard Gere’s character, Ike Graham, gives the toast…..”May you find yourselves the bull’s eye of an easy target.  May you be publicly flogged for all of your bad choices and may your noses to rubbed in all of your mistakes…”

Just because we can post videos of other people making fools of themselves, whether on purpose or not, doesn’t necessarily mean that we should.  After all, it could beyou next time. Or your mother…..

On Meditation…..

January 12, 2011

I DO NOT meditate. I can’t. People always tell me I should meditate, it will relieve stress. First of all, the whole time I’m supposed to be meditating, I’m thinking about all the things I’m supposed to be doing while I’m wasting time meditating. On the other extreme, I’m soooooo relaxed that I nod off and start snoring like I’m getting paid. Same thing with the Yoga. And wrapping my leg around my neck is relaxing, how??!! Mojitos and chocolate work just as well.

It must be psychological because every time I’d go into yoga class, my stomach would start to gurgle. It was like my stomach could sense what I was about to do and think,” Hey, it’s yoga class, time to break some wind up in here, yea-uh, baby!” It would seem as though just prior to entering, I had eaten a troth of beans wrapped in cabbage with a little sprinkling of broccoli on top for good measure. And frankly, some good noisy fartin’ just makes me laugh. So here’s me in my last yoga class…

Whew, made it. Was almost late, but I l’m good…oh right, I need to focus, get my chi in order….pulling my feet in, leaning forward to touch my head to my feet….pzzzzt…ooooh damn, that one snuck out. Ewww, that smells like cabbage…oh I need to get some cabbage for dinner tomorrow night. We also need, potatoes, cereal, eggs, oh dang, bring it back around, focus, focus, damn it…..okay, downward facing dog, I like this pose since I can actually….my toes look like I been kickin’ flour and I need a pedicure like nobody’s business….did I wear my good strechy pants or the ones with the hole in the butt crack….shit, focus!….okay, okay, side angle pose, or whatever that was she said, “Uhitta Poriskova,” oh wait isn’t that a tennis player….and so my mind goes.

As I’m dropped down into the garland pose, I started bustin’ ass all the way down to the floor, and this one could curl the toes on a dead man. And then I start laughing ’cause that one felt great, two it was loud and the loud ones always make me laugh, and three the face on the woman behind me was priceless. Clearly this form of stress relief ain’t for me. I’m out. I think I heard them clapping upon my departure. I hope they get their toes stuck in their nostrils.

I decided to stick with mojitos and chocolate instead…..

Mi Madre….

July 25, 2010

We’re celebrating my mother’s 70 birthday this evening. Nan’s birthday was earlier this month, but between her schedule and ours and to take some of the edge off (pun intended. :)), we agreed to celebrate at a later date.

We all joke about turning into our parents, whether we like it or not.  It took a while for me to realize that I was very much like her.  And while Nan and I, the only daughter she has given birth to, have not always had a smooth road to make our journey ( certainly not do to any imperfections on my part.  :)), I am glad to be so.

  Nan is the most caring, kind, and smartest person, I know.  She understands that everyone needs a friend. Always there to lend a helping hand or kind word, give directions (often while in an entirely different state or country), feed the masses, hold a hand, or just be.  With a deep breathe, a rub of her forehead, and a few minutes to think, an upside down world would be righted again.

When I was lot younger, I used to think that my mother was not “maternal.”  But looking back, she couldn’t have been more so.  Through the scouting, the sporting events, the concerts, the science fairs, the auditions, the term papers, the surgeries and the stitches, she has been there.  She has been there cheering my siblings and me on, believing in us through it all, often reminding us of our own strength when we ourselves had forgotten. She has always been our number one fan, our champion.

My older brother, Uncle Fabulous, Big Daddy, Nan and I were at a party.  We had been there a while and at some point in the evening, Uncle Fabulous, Nan and I ended up in the living room, just the three of us. We were talking our usual stuff, food, books, plays, food.  Another guest wandered in and Uncle fabulous started the introductions.  He introduced himself, then me, then said, ” And this is my mother…”  The man looked confused and asked Uncle Fabulous if he had said his mother, to which my brother nodded, and said, “Yep, that’s my momma.”  The guest looked astonished that as grown adults that we would be at a party, enjoying ourselves with our mother.  Then my brother and I were ones that looked confused. The guest replied, “I could never be at a party with my mother, we don’t get along that way, we wouldn’t have anything to talk about.”  We talked a little more on the subject, then Nan said, I raised my children to be people I would want to be friends with.” My brother and I just looked at each other and smile. …that’s our momma.

I’m sure that I don’t tell Nan thank you enough, what child ever does.  But today, on the celebration of her 70th birthday, Thank you.

I am extraordinarily proud to have you as a mother…..and a friend.


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