Posts Tagged ‘routines’

Attention Fellow Garage Patron……

October 8, 2011

Date: Today and going forth until the end of time

Attention Fellow Garage Patrons,

It has come to my attention, as a fellow patron of the Land Down Under, that you may not have been informed as to proper “garage” etiquette.  So, to assist you in your transition or refresh your memory, if you have been here for a while, but have had some lapses in judgement, here are a few tips that might be helpful in your daily parking execution.

* The lines between the spaces are not to be UNDER your vehicle, EVER. Rather, there should be two of those pretty cheesy colored lines on either side of your car. Your car tires should be equidistant from the lines on both sides, not touching them. If I have to go through my sunroof AGAIN to get into my car because you don’t know what equidistant means and can’t park in the middle of the space, I’ll make sure to hop up on your hood to get into my car.  For the record, I ain’t little. Again, BETWEEN the cheese sticks, NOT on the cheese sticks.

*If your vehicle is sticking out of a space marked “Compact Cars Only” by a two and half feet,  your car/truck/bus/moonrover is NOT compact size, and you’re blocking the aisle! Of course, if you like parking in those spaces with your “compact car,” I’ll gladly take off your front end with my big ass SUV as I try to manuever through the garage to get to the space for my big ass SUV. You know the ones not marked “Compact Cars Only.”

*Conversely, if you DO own a compact car, please park in the spaces indicated for your vehicle size.  If your car is in a space that looks like it can fit three more cars in it along with yours (and still not be over the lines-see first bullet), then please troll on over to the spaces for the Matchbox cars.  If those spaces are full, please feel free to call me and I can park your car inside my big ass SUV.  If turned on its side, your car should slide in quite nicely. If driving the new Fiat 500, we can squeeze two in.

*For those veteran parkers, I know were all adults here, but I’m calling “Same Seats!” If you park in a regular space, then park there.  No need to wander over to my usual spot, just cause you want to sit with the cool kids or try something new.  Please note the previous references to the big ass SUV.  If you continue parking in my space, me and my big ass SUV will help you back to your regular one. Beat it, buster! I mean it. To newcomers who accidentally park in my space, you get a one-day free pass. If you’re in my space two days in a row, you will be treated like a veteran interloper. In which case, please reference this bullet from the beginning. Consider this your friendly reminder. And I use the word “friendly” lightly. Very lightly.

I hope you find these tips helpful in assisting you in your daily excursions into the our little slice of combustible heaven.  Thank you and have a pleasant day (not in my parking spot)!

Riding the Line,

Edge

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Routines…..

April 8, 2011

Since I rise before the chickens to do the first round of waking the dead for school, I take Butter Face for his morning stroll through the ‘hood.  Ours is a tranquil little hamlet with great neighbors, who greet each other on the street, awesome families (Shout out to the Pool Ladies Book Club AKA The Mommy Mafia), and regular routines.  There’s the “Walker Lady” who speeds through the neighborhood hoofin’ it to the bus stop on the main road. And the “Beige Man.”  He walks his beige dog, in his beige coat and pants, wearing his brown hat and shoes. Everyday.  And so the routine went yesterday.  Or so I thought.

It was Thursday, Trash Day. It was recycle day as well. And so, Butter Face and I took our usual stroll, weaving through the forest of green cans and bins.  At least for half of us, who use the same trash company. Trash Day is blissfully routine in suburbia.

It was early; the sun wasn’t quite up. It was just casting a pink and orange glow through the trees.  I hadn’t had my coffee yet.  Thankfully,  the dog was on auto-pilot.  He knows the drill- up the street, take a left, walk up the block, make a left, up that street, another left, along one of the main roads, then take a right.  Ahhhh, routine. Go dog go.

We were halfway past the first left, when I saw this from a distance.…..

Here Kitty

 

Oh, look, a cat on the trash can.  I wonder if Butter Face sees him.  He’s not moving-wait!   That’s not a cat!  Is that a bobcat?! What the heck??!!! It’s a stuffed bobcat in a trashcan!

Mesmerized, I had to get a closer look, because really, it’s not every day you see a mounted bobcat on the curb. Right?

Ain't I purdy?

And so my mind went…

Eeeeew,  that thing’s been through the ringer. It’s got fur missing and looks all mangy.  Who HAS this in their house(Clearly, these are neighbors that I don’t know)! Oooh, I wonder if they shot it. And where.  Was it home stuffed or professionally done?  I hope they didn’t stuff it lookin’ like that because that was a waste of money. 

This is way too much to process this early in the morning without coffee.  But I couldn’t take my eyes off it.

 Butter Face, on the other hand, was FREAKED!  He was yankin’ at his leash, he couldn’t get away fast enough.  He would have dug to China through the sidewalk if I had stood there too much longer.

Then my mind went to what the conversation was when contemplating throwing this little gem into the trash….

“Hattie!  You seen my bobcat?  It was right here…. HATTIE!  Woman, where’s m’ bobcat??!!.”

“Willard, it was time. That ol’ ratty thing had to go, sitting in here collecting dust and such. I put him out in the trash this morning.”

“You did what, woman? That was my daddy’s bobcat!”

“You’re absolutely right, Willard.  So, I sent it to be with your daddy.  May they both rest in peace.”

Boy, I really did need coffee.

And Butter Face needed a tranquilizer.

-Routinous Interruptus at the Edge


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