Date: Today and going forth until the end of time
Attention Fellow Garage Patrons,
It has come to my attention, as a fellow patron of the Land Down Under, that you may not have been informed as to proper “garage” etiquette. So, to assist you in your transition or refresh your memory, if you have been here for a while, but have had some lapses in judgement, here are a few tips that might be helpful in your daily parking execution.
* The lines between the spaces are not to be UNDER your vehicle, EVER. Rather, there should be two of those pretty cheesy colored lines on either side of your car. Your car tires should be equidistant from the lines on both sides, not touching them. If I have to go through my sunroof AGAIN to get into my car because you don’t know what equidistant means and can’t park in the middle of the space, I’ll make sure to hop up on your hood to get into my car. For the record, I ain’t little. Again, BETWEEN the cheese sticks, NOT on the cheese sticks.
*If your vehicle is sticking out of a space marked “Compact Cars Only” by a two and half feet, your car/truck/bus/moonrover is NOT compact size, and you’re blocking the aisle! Of course, if you like parking in those spaces with your “compact car,” I’ll gladly take off your front end with my big ass SUV as I try to manuever through the garage to get to the space for my big ass SUV. You know the ones not marked “Compact Cars Only.”
*Conversely, if you DO own a compact car, please park in the spaces indicated for your vehicle size. If your car is in a space that looks like it can fit three more cars in it along with yours (and still not be over the lines-see first bullet), then please troll on over to the spaces for the Matchbox cars. If those spaces are full, please feel free to call me and I can park your car inside my big ass SUV. If turned on its side, your car should slide in quite nicely. If driving the new Fiat 500, we can squeeze two in.
*For those veteran parkers, I know were all adults here, but I’m calling “Same Seats!” If you park in a regular space, then park there. No need to wander over to my usual spot, just cause you want to sit with the cool kids or try something new. Please note the previous references to the big ass SUV. If you continue parking in my space, me and my big ass SUV will help you back to your regular one. Beat it, buster! I mean it. To newcomers who accidentally park in my space, you get a one-day free pass. If you’re in my space two days in a row, you will be treated like a veteran interloper. In which case, please reference this bullet from the beginning. Consider this your friendly reminder. And I use the word “friendly” lightly. Very lightly.
I hope you find these tips helpful in assisting you in your daily excursions into the our little slice of combustible heaven. Thank you and have a pleasant day (not in my parking spot)!
Riding the Line,