On Meditation…..

I DO NOT meditate. I can’t. People always tell me I should meditate, it will relieve stress. First of all, the whole time I’m supposed to be meditating, I’m thinking about all the things I’m supposed to be doing while I’m wasting time meditating. On the other extreme, I’m soooooo relaxed that I nod off and start snoring like I’m getting paid. Same thing with the Yoga. And wrapping my leg around my neck is relaxing, how??!! Mojitos and chocolate work just as well.

It must be psychological because every time I’d go into yoga class, my stomach would start to gurgle. It was like my stomach could sense what I was about to do and think,” Hey, it’s yoga class, time to break some wind up in here, yea-uh, baby!” It would seem as though just prior to entering, I had eaten a troth of beans wrapped in cabbage with a little sprinkling of broccoli on top for good measure. And frankly, some good noisy fartin’ just makes me laugh. So here’s me in my last yoga class…

Whew, made it. Was almost late, but I l’m good…oh right, I need to focus, get my chi in order….pulling my feet in, leaning forward to touch my head to my feet….pzzzzt…ooooh damn, that one snuck out. Ewww, that smells like cabbage…oh I need to get some cabbage for dinner tomorrow night. We also need, potatoes, cereal, eggs, oh dang, bring it back around, focus, focus, damn it…..okay, downward facing dog, I like this pose since I can actually….my toes look like I been kickin’ flour and I need a pedicure like nobody’s business….did I wear my good strechy pants or the ones with the hole in the butt crack….shit, focus!….okay, okay, side angle pose, or whatever that was she said, “Uhitta Poriskova,” oh wait isn’t that a tennis player….and so my mind goes.

As I’m dropped down into the garland pose, I started bustin’ ass all the way down to the floor, and this one could curl the toes on a dead man. And then I start laughing ’cause that one felt great, two it was loud and the loud ones always make me laugh, and three the face on the woman behind me was priceless. Clearly this form of stress relief ain’t for me. I’m out. I think I heard them clapping upon my departure. I hope they get their toes stuck in their nostrils.

I decided to stick with mojitos and chocolate instead…..


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9 Responses to “On Meditation…..”

  1. Marianna Says:

    Made me snort my coffee! Hilarious!!!!

  2. Dianne Says:

    MMMMM, loud stinky farts and laughing………Sounds like a Jenkins family activity!

  3. Ruben Says:

    Made me fart in my office as I was laughing so hard! Keep up the good job!

  4. geof grant Says:

    set your funky butt at the last row of the class. i feel sorry for the poor women behind you, stinky.

  5. geof grant Says:

    i know. i’ve smelt those…

    • edgeofcrazy Says:

      You’ve delt those as well, my brother. We are related and since you’ve been on this earth longer, yours have had more time to fester. Thank you very much.

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