“….I Killed Mommy”…..

It’s really cold outside and has been for the past few days.  Today is no different.  Before I get out of bed, I know it’s going to be a really cold one. Bones are creaking and stuff is aching, particularly my shoulder….

It was the first warm day of the year and the kids wanted to go up to the church parking lot and ride around on their bikes, skateboards, scooters, etc…Big Daddy was washing the car, and my mother-in-law, Ma, was in town.  As the kids piled in the truck, I ran inside and grabbed my son’s skateboard. I used to skateboard all the time as a kid. It’d be fun to have a whirl.  I’m thinking, “Got my cargo pants on, my low top teal-colored chucks on, and I’m going skateboarding with my kids.  I’m the cool Mom. The “Mom of the Year” award is surely in my grasp.  I could feel it.

As I bounded down the front steps, Big Daddy looked up and asked me what I was doing with the skateboard.  “I’m going skateboarding, what’s it look like?” To which he responded, “Woman, put that damn thing back in the house.”

“I got it, I’m good!” 

We rolled up to the parking lot and unloaded.  I took a few spins on the board and was feeling pretty pleased with myself, thinking I’ve STILL got it. I was cruising around, and saw Mini-Me off to my left, heading directly into my path.  He was wearing a helmet, but even so, I was thinking if I run into him, he’s going to hit the pavement and get busted up.  So I took one for the team and hopped off my skateboard.  Bad move.  Whomever said that we’re supposed to throw ours hands out to break our fall was an IDIOT.  I stuck my hands out and and as soon as I hit the pavement, I felt it…..I dislocated my shoulder.

I saw Mini-Me standing over me saying, “Oh my God, I killed Mommy!”  It was interesting to see my kids’ reactions; Mini-me was scared he ‘d killed me, Whirling Dervish went quiet, her “worry” mode kicking into high gear, and Glamour Rayz wasn’t quite sure what was happening, but her eyes were bugging out of her head.

There I was, laid out on the ground with my arm perpendicular to my body, and not in a good way. Actually, It didn’t hurt, I just couldn’t put my arm down.  Ma came over and asked if  I was okay and could I get up.  I couldn’t.  “You have to get up! If Big Daddy sees you down there, you’ll never live it down. Get Up, get up!” she said. I started laughing and tried to figure out how I could get on my feet.  After a few minutes of trying unsuccessfully, I finally told her that she was going to have to call Big Daddy.  “Are you sure, can I help????”  She was smiling, because she knew….

Up rolled Big Daddy in the convertible.  He got out of the car, walked over, took one look at me and busted out laughing.  All I could do was join him. Whirling Dervish was slightly relieved that I was not going to die right there in the parking lot. Big Daddy tried to help me up, but I had to do it myself.  I took a  deep breath and sat up. I figured out that my arm didn’t hurt if I rested my hand on my head.  Big Daddy was still laughing.

While Ma took the kids and equipment home, reassuring Mini-Me that he hadn’t killed me and Whirling Dervish that I was going to live, Big Daddy drove me, arm on head, to the ER. He called Jersey Girl on the way, who also busted out laughing.  What great family and friends.

By the grace of GOD, there was no one in the waiting room.  When I say no one, I mean NO ONE.  We had to tap on the glass for the triage nurse to come.  We were ushered right in to do the preliminary stuff.  When the nurse asked me what brought me in today, I said I thought I dislocated my shoulder.  “And how did you do that?” She asked.  “Skateboarding…” She looked up from her computer screen to make sure he had heard me right.  She looked from me to Big Daddy to make sure I wasn’t pulling her leg.  Big Daddy started laughing again, ” Yes, you heard right.  Tony Hawke here was skateboarding with the kids.”  She just smiled and said, “Well, at least you were out with your kids.  You could have been lying on the couch.” I smiled.  At least someone appreciated my “Greatest Mommy EVER” effort.

We get back into the ER, and I am hooked up to an IV of pain reliever lickety split and am feeling REALLY groovy. My arm hadn’t really been hurting me, but the nurse knows best.  Every time someone asks about how I hurt myself and I explain  that I had been out skateboarding with my children, after they get bug-eyed with disbelief for a second that I said skateboarding, they all thought it was cool I was out being an active parent.  Woo Hoo! Maybe “Mother of the Year” is not out of my grasp after all.  Off for X-rays, I went.

Being the overachiever that I am, not only did I dislocate my shoulder, but I managed to fracture the joint as well.  Nice. Iwas told that the Orthopaedic Surgeon would pop my shoulder back in and then given all the instructions for recuperation at home. I couldn’t figure out why the nurse was all dreamy looking when  she was telling me about the surgeon. And then he came in….

Yes, I am happily married woman, but I know a fine specimen of human engineering when I see one.  Velvety voice, tanned olive skin, dark hair, hazel eyes, he looked like the cover of GQ Magazine.  I know I looked like a ding bat, cheesing like a Cheshire cat, hoping I wasn’t drooling from the IV drip. I tried to suck my stomach in, not that it would have mattered anyway.  I was flat on my back with my boobs in my armpits (y’all know how that works), looking like I had NO neck, and where he got a full view right up the bat cave.  I prayed there were no boogies in there. I didn’t have to worry about bringing “Sexy Back.”  Sexy had high-tailed right out of the ER, never to return. I just nodded while he talked, trying not to look like a total nut job.  He could have told me that I needed to shave my head and pick my toes to heal my arm and I would have followed the doctor’s orders to the letter. He said he thought I was cool for skateboarding with my kids.

Wait…..did “Doctor Hot” say he thought I was cool?

To hell with the Mother of the Year award.

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6 Responses to ““….I Killed Mommy”…..”

  1. Grandma Chauncey Says:

    Oh!! Mr. Chauncey!! What is wrong with me now I want to go skateboarding and hurt myself…..not bad but just enough to see the dreamy Doctor!

  2. Regina Says:

    OMG…I am laughing my you know-you-what off right now. This is great!!!
    Hope the rose colored glasses are still on when you get to see him off IV pain killers….and he still looks as good!
    Seriously…this is why we choose medicine for a living. Just to hear stories like this.
    Love it!!!!

    • edgeofcrazy Says:

      This happened a while ago. And I you know I didn’t miss a single appointment. It was funny too, when he found out that I had ACL reconstruction, he wanted to see the scar, check out the work of another orth. I was like SUUUUURE. Shameless really. 🙂

  3. Camile Says:

    In the vernacular of the fruit of our wombs…OMG…ROFLMAO!

  4. Heather Says:

    Laughter and judgment with a dash of love for good measure.
    What did you think you signed up for?
    Unconditional what? Acceptance?
    Puleeze.

    Put on your big girl panties and stay the hell off skateboards.

    Mwah.

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